tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90093239713599858812024-03-13T11:29:36.692-07:00The Nature of MEIt's all about me, anything and EVERYTHING!!!janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-39359432141624795522014-09-18T06:47:00.001-07:002014-09-18T06:47:20.461-07:00Hi, Time FliesWOW! Can you believe it? It's been a year, a month shy! <br />
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I remember feeling like I did in my last post, but there are new conflicts and new feelings and emotions that soon came about after this, my grandpa's passing and the end of my relationship with a man that I loved so dearly. <br />
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I have moved out of state, and by saying that it sounds like I flew across the states to some great place! lol I drove to my new place with the help of my family! It's next to the previous state I lived in. So far I love it. At times I can get emotionally depressed, knowing that I have to create a new life here for myself. <br />
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Meeting new people and making friends isn't always a positive thing. When you're an adult it can be difficult to accomplish, stressful, or is it because I'm a female and I'm thinking too much?<br />
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Most women get offensive, they want to know why you want to be their friend, why are you asking questions, who do you know that I know? But the truth is, I just want someone to talk to, hang with, shop with!<br />
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Why is it so difficult for adults to be vulnerable some times? We as adults want to be portrayed as strong and independent; I feel by letting our guard down we can let someone in to hurt us. This may be one of several reasons why people find it so difficult to make new friends.<br />
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I find that people aren't really willing to let me in as a friend. I am pretty open, I think! lol<br />
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janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-71136479564995549372013-10-28T10:58:00.000-07:002013-10-28T10:58:02.023-07:00I've Lost HopeI had an interview this past weekend for something in which I thought was a great opportunity, but in fact it turned out to be a sales position at Sam's Club.<br />
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I am very sad and have lost hope in myself finding a job. I feel like I am a great worker, I have great work ethic and I am devoted to an employer for years, but no one is really going to give me a chance. Why? Because my resume says I'm not experienced enough.<br />
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I don't want to sit here and brag about how I can't get a job because I know there are so many of us out there.<br />
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I just want advice on how I can gain experience and tips on where to apply so that I can get that job. <br />
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I have been applying like crazy and have been interviewing as well, but I just don't have what experienced candidates have. <br />
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This interview was a reality check for me. I didn't see what was coming even when it was right in front of me. <br />
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I was really bummed and almost broke out crying, but my bf was trying to help me feel more positive and be positive. He said, "It was a good learning experience and practice." <br />
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Maybe I really should just go back to school for my graduate degree. <br />
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Please let me know if you have any tips on job searching, applying, and interviewing! I need some advice because clearly I am doing something wrong. janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-723923000533530872013-10-23T15:01:00.000-07:002013-10-23T15:01:07.300-07:00It's Been a WhileHi!<br />
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It's been a while since the last time I sat and wrote a blog post or wrote in my journal, yes actual pen and paper.<br />
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Life as everyone sees it has been flying by.<br />
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There's been a lot of things that have changed and things that have stayed the same.<br />
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I am for sure trying to relocate now and have an interview this weekend! I'm super excited for it and none of my employers know, nor do my parents.<br />
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I am ready for change and a challenge. Change in my eating habits, and a challenging workout. I am ready to move on with my life and not feel like being held back, which is how I feel at this point and time.<br />
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Being someone who has always been there for my parents and family, I think it's time that I be more in control of my life based on my own decisions. At the end of the day I'm the one who makes the decision to turn off the lights.<br />
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I don't want to be sitting in the same chair this next summer. <br />
<br />janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-60539725410108381402013-06-25T13:00:00.002-07:002013-06-25T13:00:06.497-07:00Sister's RetreatThis past weekend my sisters and I went on a retreat out of town. It was a much needed trip, Friday to Monday. I felt so relaxed I didn't want to ever stop relaxing. We didn't go and do much but we did a lot of bonding, which was the whole point of the trip.<br />
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Now that I think about it, we didn't even take much pictures, but we have all the memories and stories we need inside our mind and hearts.<br />
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There was a total of five of us that attended, not everyone was able to come. We mainly talked about ourselves, relationships, career, and each other. It was powerful, empowering, motivational, soothing, and inspiring. The things that I was saying to my sisters and the things that they were saying to me and each other was so golden. I came to realize that I should be taking my own advice, how come I'm telling her this when I am not doing it myself? It's more difficult done than said. <br />
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We did some shopping here and there but I didn't buy much. I didn't need much and I was so glad that I didn't buy much because I'll be going out of town again next month. <br />
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We all had to come up with an activity and mine was based on your confidence and trying to empower one another. Realize what your worth is and what you lack in and better your self-image. The way that you see yourself is different from what others see us as and that's what I wanted to point out. <br />
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I wanted my sisters to feel and look as beautiful as they are to me and their loved ones. We can look beautiful on the outside but feel horrible on the inside. <br />
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What are your values? If you were to meet me, as a stranger what are five things that you would want me to know about you?<br />
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I wrote down:<br />
1. family oriented<br />
2. hard working<br />
3. big family<br />
4. plus size<br />
5. event planner, successful<br />
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I wrote that, in that order. Those are some things that I value and want a stranger to know about me, I'm labeling myself here. What about you?<br />
janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-23705211181785057192013-06-12T12:02:00.003-07:002013-06-12T12:02:54.159-07:00Testing the WatersI am sorry to say that I turn to my blog for a lot of venting but I have to write this down in reassurance and evidence, making things more tangible so that I can solve it.<br />
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I have come to realize that I am not talented at anything. This has come across my mind several times throughout my lifetime already, but now I really am positive that I have no talent and I am not getting anywhere in life.<br />
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I do a lot but I don't do anything talently. <br />
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I have been on YouTube making videos for over three years and I have only reached over 1,000 subscribers. I am thankful for those that have subscribed to me, but I see all those other people who have only been on YouTube for a year and they have over 10,000. It's saying I'm not talented in makeup and in making videos and in fashion, since that is what my videos are about.<br />
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I want to model, but I can't even model in front of my boyfriend whom is taking the pictures. lol<br />
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I have always wanted to play instruments but I can't even read music notes and I have always loved singing but I can hear myself crack when I try, so I know I can't be a singer.<br />
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I think that I need to test the waters and see what my true passion is. Direct my vision that way and see that even though I'm not talented, I can still work hard, which is what I already do. I need to stop doing what I'm doing and do something else for a change.<br />
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I am not successful in one particular area, and sometimes I wish I was, that way I can take that path and see where it leads me. I feel my problem is that I like to do a little of everything and that never works out because I'll be too tired of trying to boggle everything and end up not doing anything.<br />
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I really do feel that my fatness adds to this all, maybe I'm not successful on YouTube because I'm fat. Most of the popular ladies on there are skinny and super pretty! I have to admit, they are the ones that I watch the most being that there are more of them. <br />
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I love supporting plus size women as well, but there aren't too many of them out there that I share the same style with. There are several, but not as many as I would like. <br />
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I hope that this all helps me in the end, whatever that path may be.<br />
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janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-45041599042241922342012-11-05T12:31:00.002-08:002012-11-06T07:26:45.093-08:00If I Was Rich$$$I had this discussion with the bf the other day and we were just discussing about how celebrities are so rich, what do they do with all that money? <br />
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I said they just do things to get more rich of course. For example, open up a clothing line, or sell their signature perfume/cologne that they made up.<br />
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I forget what the bf said, but then we went on discussing about how an athlete gave $100,000 to hurricane relief. Him alone gave that much money compared to the NBA which gave two million.<br />
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After this was said, I stated that if every celebrity in the states would give at least $1,000 to hurricane relief, that would be a lot of money.<br />
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I for one, if I was rich would give so much money away to those who really need it!! I think that with the money you make you can do things to get richer, but you should definitely give a lot too!! To those who can't help themselves, help them get off their feet just for the good of your heart, not to get anything out of it other than that!!<br />
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I really wish I was rich, then I wouldn't have to worry about money so much. I would be able to pay off my parent's house, be able to buy my own home, and be able to help those in need who are near and dear to me. Even if I don't know who they are, I believe I would still give them money if I were that rich!!<br />
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I am a very appreciative person and super considerate of others, so if I were to be rich, I would definitely spend it well and put it to good use!!<br />
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I hope one day I can earn enough money to do whatever I want with it and not worry if I'm going to have enough money before the next paycheck... <br />
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Good thing right now I'm only taking care of myself and at times helping my parents with bills. As of right now I'm only able to get what I want because I don't have a lot of bills, but who knows in the future. <br />
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I really hope I can get there!<br />
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Don't we all?janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-20518931127671382622012-10-22T16:26:00.004-07:002012-10-22T16:26:52.543-07:00Lacking in the Motivation DepartmentSince I have been out of school I have come to realize that I am lacking my dose of motivation. I have no interest in volunteering for the better and no interest to do anything I don't want to do. I push it aside and wait for another day.<br />
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I really need to stop waiting. I really thought that when I graduated and got that expensive degree, I would be doing something with my life. Going somewhere where I can be proud of myself and let others know what I'm doing without feeling like a failure. Am I letting others label me by labeling myself? I'm really sick of my lack in the motivation department. <br />
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I usually am super motivated. I'm a self motivator and now it just seems like all of that has gone away for some reason. Maybe I feel that my opportunities were when I was still in school and now that I'm done with school there's nothing left for me to do or look forward to other than work (which is kind of how I feel).<br />
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I want my life to be stress free and mainly concerning money. I spend what I want and save what I need, not enough to get where I want. I really need to start budgeting and changing myself for the better. I really am a person who wants to better myself in all aspects and that's why I feel that I'm such an open-minded person.<br />
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The things that I wanted to do when I was done with school has not even started, my lists that I made has not been checked off, and I have not even updated my lists of assignments for myself. How will I get things done if I won't even put those to-do lists together???<br />
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I was hoping one of these days I would get a break some how and all of a sudden get a large amount of income. See how I didn't say a large amount of money from the lottery or something? I'm being more realistic. I want to be able to work for that money, do something with what I enjoy and am good at and obtain money for my ability to work. <br />
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I still need to find a way to motivate myself in doing these things, in getting all my goals done and checking off those boxes on my to-do list. <br />
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What are some of your ways to keep you motivated, or motivate yourself to be motivated??? lol sounds so funny when you write it down but it makes perfect sense to me.<br />
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<br />janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-40149963754185229432012-09-10T15:56:00.000-07:002012-09-10T15:56:10.795-07:00Suicidal Sitting on the toilet with tears in my eyes. Making sure I get my thoughts down before I'm too lazy to do so. Why is it that it's always too good to be true? Why do we have to be such horrible people?<br />
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I'm so tired. Tired of life and it's complications. I remember thinking about suicide when I was a kid. I sure was dramatic. I think I've grown from that. But today while I drove home from work I thought about it again. I'm not going to do it, but I just haven't thought about it in a while.<br />
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Now you're wondering what in the world happened that is making me feel this way. The answer is, everything.<br />
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As pathetic as I may sound, these are my thoughts. Suicide is very scary. I feel the pain of all the people whom has thought about suicide the only thing is I will never do it.<br />
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As horrible as I think life may be, I have to keep living for all the reasons that I don't want to be living for.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-21801727101607568322012-09-06T18:47:00.002-07:002012-09-06T18:47:55.307-07:00The Unspoken WordsThere are so many words that I have to say but I choose not to say them. It may be because I'm too weak to say them or that I am too kind to speak the truth or that I don't want to hear myself say these things because I wish they weren't true. Life is full of choices. Do you do things for yourself or for others? Do you answer truthfully or not? Do we as humans make mistakes and hope to be forgiven on purpose?<br />
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There are too many unspoken words. Secrets, guilt, and pain. These unspoken words will never stop. It's human to keep things bottled up inside. Sadly...<br />
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<br />janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-24524758890163477802012-07-19T19:17:00.003-07:002012-07-19T19:17:43.188-07:00Cherishing LifeToday has been one of those hectic days where I work and work and have a lot of errands and yet I find time to sit down for a movie, take a 30 minute nap, go to work twice, take my grandma to go see my grandpa in the hospital, and listen to soothing music while looking at a beautiful blue and pink faded out sky. <br />
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It makes me cherish life when it's beautiful like this. I can see the beauty in life. Even after a hard days of work, as long as I can look at the world and see beauty, I am glad to be alive!!!<br />
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Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life!! I am so grateful for everything and everyone! janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-45839800290561756902012-05-13T22:55:00.001-07:002012-05-13T22:55:31.223-07:00My Undergrad GraduationThis past weekend I walked for my undergrad degree. My parents and the bf came along. I have such a big family and there weren't nearly enough tickets to bring my whole family along. I was sad, but I knew that I would see them soon since my parents and siblings were throwing me a graduation party that afternoon. I could not wait to be done and go home to see everyone to celebrate! <br />
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I was so excited to walk for commencement, that night I went to bed and I felt like I was in the room getting ready to walk and it was like I was sitting in my chair waiting for my turn to walk on stage all over again. I remember the feeling I had sitting there and the feeling I had when I was walking across the stage, I was just thinking OMG OMG OMG. It was so crazy how I was laying there in my mom's bed and I felt as if I was still at the commencement. It was so real, I even moved my foot in trying to walk. I remember having my flats on the floor while my short legs were in midair and in my dream I tried to put my flats back on in case they called our major to stand. <br />
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When I came home I was welcomed with happiness, joy, and love. I was so happy to see my family. Not everyone was there, but just about! I was sooo happy! The party didn't start until about an hour later than we expected, which was fine for me but others that worked all morning in preparing were getting hungry. All my siblings worked so hard to cook this wonderful meal for all of us to share. I am so grateful. I can definitely say that family is my first priority! I value my family so much and at times others can say that I need to be more selfish. But not when it comes to family, not in my case. <br />
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I got tons of gifts from family, cousins, and friends. I was smiling all day and had so much fun taking pictures and everything! My mom bought me roses and I got balloons. My brother got his certificate in culinary so it was also for him as well, but I want to talk more about my feelings.<br />
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I am one of the younger in my family and am a first generation student. My parents are such wonderful people, I feel that wherever I have gone they have gone with me. My dad cried at his speech and so did my mom. My mom made me read the card that she bought for me and a letter that she had my sister write in English. Tears ran down my cheek like a flowing waterfall. The card was bought from Wal-Mart, I was there when my sister and mom went to pick it up. I was waiting in the car. The card was dead on, everything that the card said was exactly me and it made me cry so hard. The letter that my mom wrote was so amazing! She spoke of the sorrows and the happiness that we have shared. I am so grateful for her! As I read this to everyone, my heart melted. My mom is such a strong person and yet she thinks that I'm the strong one. She says that I am her best friend! She too is my best friend, along with my sisters and my bf. <br />
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I have always stated that I don't have a best friend, but what I didn't realize is that my mom, all 5 sisters, and bf are my best friends. They know me and care for me like no other person has done. All the years that I cried because of friends, do not matter anymore. All those people who took advantage of me, ripped my feelings to shreds, and didn't even care about me, do not matter. I have all of these great people in my life. <br />
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My graduation marks a point in my life. I have graduated and gotten my bachelor's degree! I am single and able to support myself. I am Ka's daughter! She says she is so proud to have me as her daughter, I am so proud to have her as my mother! She is definitely a gift from God, as she has said about me. <br />
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I will cherish that day for the rest of my life! I hope that whenever you complete a great success in your life you have someone there to support you, as I did! Those people who care for you and will always be there for you. <br />
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To my family, I am soooo sooo grateful for you all. I am filled with so much joy, happiness, and love that I can not wait to show you how much I appreciate you! I want to cry because of my happiness. I love each and every one of you so terribly much!<br />
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I hope that whatever may come in my future, I remember those that were with me always!!janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-30848858976924932792012-05-06T21:24:00.001-07:002012-05-06T21:24:53.408-07:00The PastThe past. My past.<br />
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There are people in my past that I would love to forget but for some reason they just keep reappearing. I have always wondered if the saying is actually really true? The saying goes something like, "every person you meet, you take a little of them with you," I may not have that dead on, but it surely sounds something like that. I wonder if we really take something with us when we meet someone because I have met a lot of people and I can't say I have taken anything from them, whether it's tangible or not. <br />
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All these people that I wish would leave the presence that I'm in is always reappearing. It annoys me very much so, but it may be just a problem that I have with myself or with them and they don't even know it. Why should it bother me so much? I guess it's probably because I'm still affected by the past, the things that happened. Maybe I'm embarrassed, probably. Whatever the reason may be, it's pretty hard to get over it.<br />
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I think that if I ever see those people again, I should try to get on good terms with them so that I don't feel this way. So that if they do reappear in my life again I'm not annoyed and angered and making a fool out of myself. You would think that after going to NZ and coming back I would learn how to appreciate people more and grow from the past. I have in some ways and in others I have yet to. <br />
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I say this, but we will see when the day comes. Whatever it is that I decide to do, I hope I do the right thing.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-3435712966420994322012-05-01T22:48:00.001-07:002012-05-01T23:04:57.531-07:00The Yells of the ThunderstormThe sky is upset today. I woke up feeling sad, thinking the sky was going to be blue and grey. I didn't actually get to walk outside until 11 am because I wanted to sleep in. Once I got out into the world of shouting voices from advertisements and media I realized that it wasn't all that bad. I felt good, the wind was blowing in my long black hair and it made me feel at ease. I walked to a few different places to run errands and came back outside to feel the light sun rays on my skin. I did make sure to put some spf on my face in case there were any sunlight. I walked all over campus and found myself loving the weather. Going to class then to work, from one job location to another location. Finally when I was ready to head to my place, I was able to walk in the nice cool air again to breath the freshness of mother nature. The sun was going down and the clouds were gathering, it was as if they were whispering to one another. I could hear their whispers and realized that they were not happy with us today. I quickly climbed the steps to my place. After a few hours of doing homework and procrastinating, the yells from the thunderstorm starting blazing from outside my window. I knew that the clouds were whispering of something earlier and so here came the yells. Thunderstorms were yelling so loud that my window would rattle in despair. I put on my headphones and ignored its roars, yet the yells got louder and louder. What shall I yell back, I thought. Only the sorrow and pain can be heard from the sky. The tears that our human race weeps on a day to day basis only fills the lakes and rivers. Must we cry to be heard? How can my words get as loud as the thundering yells of the wind and sky? To make a difference today that will stand here tomorrow? For now, I'll just dream about it.....janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-44918413469449029242012-04-27T10:03:00.002-07:002012-04-27T10:03:48.020-07:00April and GraduationApril is almost over, which is crazy business. Graduation is around the corner and yet I feel like I don't deserve it or that I'm still going to be a kid going to school, when is reality going to hit me? When I'm walking on stage to get my degree (which won't really even be in the folder thing)? <br />
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I hope reality hits soon so I can be more productive. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward for after graduation. I want to talk a lot about myself because I have a story to be told and there are so many people around me with great stories too! I really want to add it to my YouTube channel but I'm afraid no one will listen.<br />
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What will become of me after my internship this summer? Will I get a job and do great things? Will I get my degree, do my internship, get fat, and help my mom by working anywhere? <br />
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I hope I lose some weight so I can be more healthy than I am now. I want to make sure I get my period every month and be able to exercise a few times a week! I want to know that I have money in my pocket to pay bills and have a little fun. I want to be productive in everything I do. I want to connect more with my viewers on YouTube, Twitter, and Blogspot! janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-17279271343588528082012-03-02T23:00:00.005-08:002012-03-25T22:03:41.854-07:00ResentmentI cry for just about everything.<br /><br />Sometimes I think that no matter what I cry about it doesn't matter anymore because the tears just keep falling. No matter what the situation is I am always crying.<br /><br />I find myself crying over the small things the most and for the people I love.<br /><br />Do you think that after people love you so much they can hate you? They feel resentment?<br /><br />Then they end up giving up on you.<br /><br />Maybe it's time to give up!<br /><br />I spent the whole day crying to myself about everything. Family, friends, love, movies...<br /><br />Thought about death and how scary it is, but I think that death doesn't come until you realize that you're ready, or at least I hope so.<br /><br />It's depressing that I write things down more often when I'm sad rather than when I'm happy.<br /><br />I think he resents me. He feels so much hate towards me that he's giving up on me.<br /><br />Maybe that's why every time he doesn't care to contact me. I'm the one to make the first move, to apologize, to cry and ask for forgiveness.<br /><br />Love is not about being shy of your feelings or feeling like you are being desperate when you tell them you still want to be with them, all of that doesn't matter when there's love.<br /><br />How come I feel I'm the only one feeling these things?<br /><br />Is this a one side relationship?<br /><br />A few days ago I was taking a shower and had my undies hanging by the towel, I was talking to God and Jesus and I felt someone or something touch my shoulder ever so lightly. It scared me and it made me think that that was a sign from God, I turned around and found that it was my undies that brushed my shoulder. <br /><br />Why can't I get another sign like that to reassure me that I'm on the right path with the right person?<br /><br />Why am I always feeling bad and sorry for this person? Does he feel the same way or does he always feel that he's right? Does he think that I think I'm always right? I'm the only one who's ever apologized. <br /><br />No matter how many tears fall, it doesn't matter.<br /><br />I just have to realize that no one loves you as much as yourself. If you don't love yourself than there is no one left. No hope.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-69966263361141989272012-02-19T20:59:00.001-08:002012-02-19T21:08:56.984-08:00How We've All ChangedI am 22 years old now, soon to be 23 next month. <br /><br />From the time I was 21 and now there were many differences.<br /><br />From the time I was 18 and now there were even more differences.<br /><br />When I was 16, I was still adventuring.<br /><br />13, when I first became a teenager, I felt so young. <br /><br />I remember thinking wow, I can never go back to living in the one digits when I turned 10. I felt so strange and yet nothing really happened when I turned 10.<br /><br />I can't believe how fast everything is going. My childhood is only a memory now. I would love to sit and watch all of my childhood memories in videos and in pictures.<br /><br />I wish my parents would have developed my high school graduation pictures so I could have that on hand. They are so forgetful.<br /><br />It makes me so sad that I am growing old and getting wrinkles. What have I done?<br /><br />I am someone who used to be so happy, I still am, but for some stupid reason I like to down myself in sorrow. I say I like to, because I do it so often, so I must like to do it right?<br /><br />Wishing I was young again, wishing I didn't have responsibilities. Wishing I didn't need anyone else to rely on or that no one needed to rely on me.<br /><br />Who am I God? I have changed in so many ways, I would like to say that it's for the better, but I really don't know. Have I made a difference in someone's life? <br /><br />Who are the people around me. I've heard before that your friends are a mirror image of you. Is that true? <br /><br />I can't believe how much I've changed and yet I think I haven't changed at all.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-16008346318579740422012-02-13T11:36:00.000-08:002012-02-13T11:43:15.255-08:00What If?Okay I'm going to be a little on the down side right now just because I can. I know it's a day away from Valentine's Day and no one needs to be reading about depressing stuff. But I just had a thought and it makes me very sad.<br /><br />What if someone like me who blogs wrote a suicide note on their blog and no one saw it? I know no one reads my blog posts besides me, so what if it were the same for this suicidal person?<br /><br />I'm not saying it's me, I love my life and all, I was just thinking this because I don't get any readers. Sure I have followers but I doubt they read anything. Reading is boring! <br /><br />It is very sad, I am guilty of it myself. I hope that if this ever were to happen someone takes it seriously and tries to help and succeeds. We need to be more aware of everyone's thoughts and feelings. We need to be appreciative of others. <br /><br />Valentine's Day is coming tomorrow and I know a handful of people who are loved but may feel alone on this day. Some may say it's stupid to be giving on this day and not on any other day, but every day is the same to a lot of people. Jazz it up a bit! Make some love and give a little. Show some kind of appreciation. <br /><br />I have someone and yet I feel alone. I admit it, I don't care. Just because you are with someone doesn't mean that other person or you, will receive or give anything. Sad isn't it? Doesn't it feel wasted? <br /><br />All those people who are single don't get anything and they feel sad because they have no one, well reality check. Even if you have someone you may or may not get anything anyways. People are so materialistic. Shoot, I am! I love my makeup, jewelry, and clothes! I want things too! If I wine and cry will I get it? Maybe, but not for the same reason that I wanted them for, so that defeats the whole purpose.<br /><br />Am I mapping out an equation or something?<br /><br />I'm just telling how it is. One thing leads to another. The bf will never read this so don't worry. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad person, he's just not a very giving person.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-80978887046082378522012-02-02T08:06:00.000-08:002012-02-02T08:13:33.680-08:00PositivityI have been attending a positive training session and I love it! Sometimes I admit that happy people are annoying, you think, WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY YOU FREAK, or you think they're annoying and want them to shut up. BUT, everyday there is sadness and we need more happy people in our lives and in the world.<br /><br />SO I have decided that I'm going to change myself a little to improve, for the better and be POSITIVE. I'm only going to think positive thoughts, be happy, and annoying (if that's what you think happy people are).<br /><br />It was a goal for my channel for me to be more enthusiastic in my videos and I feel like that's how it should be in life too. I have to be more enthusiastic and live more, take more chances and opportunities, I have to be more happy and laughing and crazy wild (in an appropriate way).<br /><br />Positivity can change you! Surround yourself with positivity and positive people. I heard someone say get rid of all the negative people. And to me, that is harsh, but I understand, but I don't know if I could do that. I'm a pretty friendly and caring person, so I can't do just that, but I get what they mean. <br /><br />Negative people drag you down with them and you don't want to feel that way. They ruin your day and make you mopey. Who wants to be mopey other than E-or? Is that even how you spell his name? <br /><br />Anyways, I hope you become positive too, I'm not forcing you, I'm simply asking and hoping you will bring the enthusiasm in your life!<br /><br />Scream a little, or a lot!!! Laugh loud and proud. Be you but with more emphasis!janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-31179188498604450922012-01-23T23:36:00.000-08:002012-01-23T23:45:49.449-08:00What is the Definition of Success?Sometimes you feel like a complete failure. Look at what you do from a day to day basis, you look at what you eat, what you lack, what you wish you could do and think to yourself why am I so lazy, mean, dumb, fat, or a failure?<br /><br />When you feel this way, you think, what do others see me as? Successful? but why? I'm not rich, I don't have a business or have a career. <br /><br />What is the definition of success? I don't feel it, why do people think I'm successful? (this is in terms for myself to think of and for everyone reading)<br /><br />I just think to myself, why do I need to think of what other's definition of success is for me to feel successful? Why can't I come up with my own definition and feel that sense of pride in succeeding.<br /><br />I may say successful is something dumb like waking up every morning, doing some walking, and getting out of the house, but that defeats my whole purpose of this blog.<br /><br />Why do we define our ways into other people's definition? That ticks me off! I can be happy while I'm fat, I can be healthy while being overweight. I can be successful in my own eyes even if not in yours. <br /><br />One other topic I wanted to speak of, the fact that we judge ourselves based on others. Oh I am successful because I did this and all my friends never did. WHY?? Why do we do this to ourselves? We don't like it when our friends do it to us, why should we do it to them? OF COURSE I'm guilty of this too, but realizing it and changing the fact is something else.<br /><br />Change your definitions and realize what you want what your success story is. Define it and keep it consistent, whether others know your definition or not, it doesn't matter because you can feel it and you know!<br /><br />I once heard something, I forget what it's for, but it goes something like, a good deed is only a good deed if it goes unnoticed or without you bragging about it. I don't know what, but I totally agree! But it's hard not to speak of your greatness when there is so much badness that you see in yourself all other days. <br /><br />Stick to it, keep your chin high, don't look down on others and don't look down on yourself. You are what you think you are, not what you eat!janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-66432358756388217022012-01-14T07:35:00.000-08:002012-01-14T07:47:41.745-08:00One Thing I Want To Do In My FutureI will graduate in May of this year (2012) and I have no idea what to do with myself. I live in a fairly small city that doesn't have that many opportunities. I don't feel stuck to my mom but I feel like I should stick around. With that being the situation, I am left with trying to find a job that would fit my profession and it's hard enough just trying to find one to intern at. I have no idea what I will be doing after graduation and I hope that my parent's aren't disappointed in me as I may be feeling, myself. <br /><br />I don't know what my future will bring, but I promise myself I will at least do something like this in my future:<br /><br />This morning I woke up and saw the sunshine. Notice the word morning in that sentence? I would like to wake up in the morning before noon and I would like to see the sunshine. All of what was just said is something I know now, I want to do in the future.<br /><br />I also had a cup of coffee next to my computer. This too is something I want to do, have a hot drink relaxing next to my computer updating myself on the social networks online. It's soothing to me to have something next to me as my breakfast before anyone wakes up. Having peace and quiet listening to my own thoughts and what I want to do today instead of waking up to someone else's plans for me.<br /><br />I find that these things if not anything else has to be done in my future, there may not be coffee involved but at least something hot like tea. If I find myself without a job and without any motivation, at least I know that this will be a routine that I would look forward to and will keep consistent. At least I am in control of this in my life if nothing else!janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-91214031148773349452012-01-03T16:08:00.000-08:002012-01-03T16:11:46.357-08:00Internet VacationI feel like when I leave the internet for an internet vacation, I am so worried. Worried about missing important e-mails, my viewers on youtube being upset that I haven't posted a video in a while, or just missing out on things. <br /><br />It's so strange. When I get back into my mode of updating things such as e-mails, blogs, youtube, and facebook I feel so stressed and rushed.<br /><br />I guess it goes for a lot of things when you leave for a vacation and come back to reality. <br /><br />It's just so time consuming and stressful but we still do it. We still have to answer back to e-mails and update our status on facebook and twitter. <br /><br />It's silly, but so very true!<br /><br />Have you ever felt like this? What would you suggest in bettering this whole situation?janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-33307383733724436652011-12-12T20:02:00.000-08:002011-12-12T22:50:03.508-08:00Self-Confidence MakeoverI have been inspired to give to those who don't have anything. I don't have much and can't do much to help them in the sense of money but I can help by giving them a boost of confidence, a boost of energy and compliments to make their day better.<br /><br />I want to do something along the lines of giving other women who don't feel confident to feel confident in their skin. Somehow I want to make them feel as beautiful as they are on the inside, on the outside. <br /><br />Now I am not the best at doing makeup, but I would love to go around and help those who feel that they need that extra boost of confidence. I will start as soon as I can. <br /><br />I have just thought of a great idea!<br /><br />I will start putting on makeup on those who around me and then go from there. For every woman that I put makeup on to build their confidence, I will take their picture and post it (with their consent). I will most likely make another blog so that it doesn't conflict with this blog and show the world how confident woman can be. I can go from one woman to the next in building their confidence by simple things like blush, lipstick, and mascara. <br /><br />This will be a great movement! One day maybe I can travel on my own expense to help woman around the world to build their confidence in being who they are! In walking in their own shoes and walking with their head held high! <br /><br />I cannot give them money, but I can help give them self-confidence, which is more valuable! When one looks good, they feel good, and when you feel good, you do much better in just about everything!<br /><br /><a href="https://selfconfidencemakeover.wordpress.com/">Self-Confidence Makeover Word Press</a>janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-66927572311076212492011-12-07T20:25:00.000-08:002011-12-07T20:28:05.969-08:00AccidentalWhat if being with someone for so many years you realize that you were with the wrong person all along?<br /><br />What if you find out certain things about this person and it makes you wish you were never with them from the beginning? or that you never found out about it. but then again, if you don't, it's bound to happen sooner or later.<br /><br />What if the person from the beginning before this other person was the one that you were supposed to be with, but then there was a miscommunication? <br /><br />Do you think they'll come back? Or should you go track them down? Has it been too long? Will they even remember you? <br /><br /><br />WHAT AM I SAYING????janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-46174662364553590172011-11-16T20:12:00.000-08:002011-11-16T20:18:15.922-08:00The Golden Rule"Do onto others what you want done onto you"<br /><br />Don't I deserve to be treated good? They say do onto others as you want done onto u, but I have yet to receive the good that I have passed on.<br /><br />I feel that I am usually always following that rule and not getting the respect and care that I have done onto others.<br /><br />I find myself crying all the time because I feel so unappreciated. I feel others use me because of this Golden Rule, because I want to be good. <br /><br />Please don't make me a bad person because of this. <br /><br />I just find myself lost, wondering when people will turn around and realize that I have been there for them and that I too need help.<br /><br />I fall and fall again, and the only soul that knows besides God and I, is the bf.<br /><br />He sees me fall, cry, wail and know my pain. He gets upset, frustrated, and angry due to my lack of telling others or letting them walk all over me. <br /><br />But what can I do? They are family, they are friends. Whom I love and care about. Those family and friends will know sooner or later.<br /><br />I just hope that I can stay calm and innocent until they do realize it.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9009323971359985881.post-13881185913610548042011-11-15T17:08:00.000-08:002011-11-15T17:18:03.575-08:00You Robbed MeI feel so depressed.<br /><br />Something has come over me. I can't think of anything other than my family. I don't want to do anything but be with my family. <br /><br />I'm so stressed, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to feel happy or joyful because my family can't feel the same way, or they don't feel the same way.<br /><br />When that person came into my brother's home and stole his stuff with their bare hands, that was when they robbed my brother. They robbed him of his happiness, they robbed him of his joy, his happiness, his life. They robbed his family's joy and happiness. They robbed us of time. <br /><br />This stranger took what was materialistic in this world, but meant a lot to us. <br /><br />It made our tears shed and I will never forget it. I can't forget it. Every time I feel happy, I think again about what happened and realize that my brother and sister-in-law are suffering. I don't have the right to be happy right now, I don't have the right to be thinking about other things than them. I need to find a way to soothe their pain and sorrows. <br /><br />On top of that, there are other stressful things lingering in my head. <br /><br />I just want to cry. There is nothing that I can do. Why must I feel this way? Why did this happen to us? What is the reason for this mishap? <br /><br />God, please tell me why this is happening and what we should do to make it better. I ask for an answer, for a sign. I am losing hope, something that that person also robbed us of. <br /><br />Why is it so difficult for life to give us a break when we need one? Something happens to us and we pause our lives for it, but life doesn't pause for us. Everything still moves along, just like the clock moves along. No one waits for us to catch up. Life just keeps on going and when we are able to come back to life, reality will be there for us to jump back into the realm of things.<br /><br />I hate that. Life goes on. What if I don't want it to? What if I can't move on, go on with life? I am stuck in this position of depression, not sure if I could/should laugh or smile again. <br /><br />Will someone let me know what your thoughts are on this? I feel so deprived of encouragement.janika3689http://www.blogger.com/profile/08647573876842690661noreply@blogger.com0