Suicidal

 Sitting on the toilet with tears in my eyes. Making sure I get my thoughts down before I'm too lazy to do so. Why is it that it's always too good to be true?  Why do we have to be such horrible people?

I'm so tired. Tired of life and it's complications. I remember thinking about suicide when I was a kid. I sure was dramatic. I think I've grown from that.  But today while I drove home from work I thought about it again.  I'm not going to do it, but I just haven't thought about it in a while.

Now you're wondering what in the world happened that is making me feel this way. The answer is, everything.

As pathetic as I may sound, these are my thoughts. Suicide is very scary. I feel the pain of all the people whom has thought about suicide the only thing is I will never do it.

As horrible as I think life may be, I have to keep living for all the reasons that I don't want to be living for.

The Unspoken Words

There are so many words that I have to say but I choose not to say them. It may be because I'm too weak to say them or that I am too kind to speak the truth or that I don't want to hear myself say these things because I wish they weren't true. Life is full of choices. Do you do things for yourself or for others? Do you answer truthfully or not?  Do we as humans make mistakes and hope to be forgiven on purpose?


There are too many unspoken words. Secrets, guilt, and pain. These unspoken words will never stop. It's human to keep things bottled up inside. Sadly...

Cherishing Life

Today has been one of those hectic days where I work and work and have a lot of errands and yet I find time to sit down for a movie, take a 30 minute nap, go to work twice, take my grandma to go see my grandpa in the hospital, and listen to soothing music while looking at a beautiful blue and pink faded out sky. 

It makes me cherish life when it's beautiful like this.  I can see the beauty in life.  Even after a hard days of work, as long as I can look at the world and see beauty, I am glad to be alive!!!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life!! I am so grateful for everything and everyone! 

My Undergrad Graduation

This past weekend I walked for my undergrad degree.  My parents and the bf came along.  I have such a big family and there weren't nearly enough tickets to bring my whole family along.  I was sad, but I knew that I would see them soon since my parents and siblings were throwing me a graduation party that afternoon.  I could not wait to be done and go home to see everyone to celebrate! 

I was so excited to walk for commencement, that night I went to bed and I felt like I was in the room getting ready to walk and it was like I was sitting in my chair waiting for my turn to walk on stage all over again.  I remember the feeling I had sitting there and the feeling I had when I was walking across the stage, I was just thinking OMG OMG OMG.  It was so crazy how I was laying there in my mom's bed and I felt as if I was still at the commencement.  It was so real, I even moved my foot in trying to walk.  I remember having my flats on the floor while my short legs were in midair and in my dream I tried to put my flats back on in case they called our major to stand.

When I came home I was welcomed with happiness, joy, and love.  I was so happy to see my family.  Not everyone was there, but just about!  I was sooo happy!  The party didn't start until about an hour later than we expected, which was fine for me but others that worked all morning in preparing were getting hungry.  All my siblings worked so hard to cook this wonderful meal for all of us to share.  I am so grateful.  I can definitely say that family is my first priority!  I value my family so much and at times others can say that I need to be more selfish.  But not when it comes to family, not in my case. 

I got tons of gifts from family, cousins, and friends.  I was smiling all day and had so much fun taking pictures and everything!  My mom bought me roses and I got balloons.  My brother got his certificate in culinary so it was also for him as well, but I want to talk more about my feelings.

I am one of the younger in my family and am a first generation student.  My parents are such wonderful people, I feel that wherever I have gone they have gone with me.  My dad cried at his speech and so did my mom.  My mom made me read the card that she bought for me and a letter that she had my sister write in English.  Tears ran down my cheek like a flowing waterfall.  The card was bought from Wal-Mart, I was there when my sister and mom went to pick it up.  I was waiting in the car.  The card was dead on, everything that the card said was exactly me and it made me cry so hard.  The letter that my mom wrote was so amazing!  She spoke of the sorrows and the happiness that we have shared.  I am so grateful for her!  As I read this to everyone, my heart melted.  My mom is such a strong person and yet she thinks that I'm the strong one. She says that I am her best friend!  She too is my best friend, along with my sisters and my bf. 

I have always stated that I don't have a best friend, but what I didn't realize is that my mom, all 5 sisters, and bf are my best friends.  They know me and care for me like no other person has done.  All the years that I cried because of friends, do not matter anymore.  All those people who took advantage of me, ripped my feelings to shreds, and didn't even care about me, do not matter.  I have all of these great people in my life. 

My graduation marks a point in my life.  I have graduated and gotten my bachelor's degree!  I am single and able to support myself.  I am Ka's daughter!  She says she is so proud to have me as her daughter, I am so proud to have her as my mother!  She is definitely a gift from God, as she has said about me. 

I will cherish that day for the rest of my life!  I hope that whenever you complete a great success in your life you have someone there to support you, as I did!  Those people who care for you and will always be there for you. 

To my family, I am soooo sooo grateful for you all.  I am filled with so much joy, happiness, and love that I can not wait to show you how much I appreciate you!  I want to cry because of my happiness.  I love each and every one of you so terribly much!

I hope that whatever may come in my future, I remember those that were with me always!!

The Past

The past.  My past.

There are people in my past that I would love to forget but for some reason they just keep reappearing.  I have always wondered if the saying is actually really true?  The saying goes something like, "every person you meet, you take a little of them with you," I may not have that dead on, but it surely sounds something like that.  I wonder if we really take something with us when we meet someone because I have met a lot of people and I can't say I have taken anything from them, whether it's tangible or not. 

All these people that I wish would leave the presence that I'm in is always reappearing.  It annoys me very much so, but it may be just a problem that I have with myself or with them and they don't even know it.  Why should it bother me so much?  I guess it's probably because I'm still affected by the past, the things that happened.  Maybe I'm embarrassed, probably.  Whatever the reason may be, it's pretty hard to get over it.

I think that if I ever see those people again, I should try to get on good terms with them so that I don't feel this way.  So that if they do reappear in my life again I'm not annoyed and angered and making a fool out of myself.  You would think that after going to NZ and coming back I would learn how to appreciate people more and grow from the past.  I have in some ways and in others I have yet to. 

I say this, but we will see when the day comes.  Whatever it is that I decide to do, I hope I do the right thing.