Yesterday I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I confessed what my sister had said to me to the BF, he agreed and was very understanding. He said that if we were to take a break or breakup, why wait? I figured I would give him time to think it over before any harsh decisions were made. He said we might-as-well do it now, since it's going to happen. I figured, I don't want to argue and wanted to leave in good terms. I feel empty today.
I don't want to laugh, sing, dance in the rain like I did when I was with him. No he's not close to me, four to five hours away, but I felt like he was here because we were together, now that we're not, I feel that he's even further away. Like he's in a different world and there's no way I can get him back, do I want to get him back? Of course, but how can I when I was the one who suggested it? When there needs to be changes made to the both of us, I never got to tell him that I am the one who doesn't deserve him. Yet I was laying in bed telling him all the things that he needs to change, I am the one who needs the most changing.
I felt like I was Mulan today, or however you spell her name, the Chinese girl who paints her face to please others. I feel that way today, I was painting my face with makeup and felt a lie. Like I was putting a show that I feel good today, but I don't and no I am not ok. I feel like her today, Mulan. I have to go fight the world without him and start anew. I have to save myself from everything out there without him. Am I vulnerable? Yes, to him, I relied on him heavily and here we are, not together because of my selfishness.
If there is ever a time where we meet again, after changes have already been made, I would love to love him again and show him the great changes I have made in my life. That I can be patient, not care so much about what others think, and that I'm not a mean, selfish, bitch.
But for now, we have to wait until time passes and ourselves change for the better, so until we meet again, we should evolve to be greater than we are now. Until then my love, until we can change, I can't wait!