The Nature of ME

The Nature of ME
Me Being at My Best, ME!

Monday, November 5, 2012

If I Was Rich$$$

I had this discussion with the bf the other day and we were just discussing about how celebrities are so rich, what do they do with all that money? 

I said they just do things to get more rich of course.  For example, open up a clothing line, or sell their signature perfume/cologne that they made up.

I forget what the bf said, but then we went on discussing about how an athlete gave $100,000 to hurricane relief.  Him alone gave that much money compared to the NBA which gave two million.

After this was said, I stated that if every celebrity in the states would give at least $1,000 to hurricane relief, that would be a lot of money.

I for one, if I was rich would give so much money away to those who really need it!!  I think that with the money you make you can do things to get richer, but you should definitely give a lot too!! To those who can't help themselves, help them get off their feet just for the good of your heart, not to get anything out of it other than that!!

I really wish I was rich, then I wouldn't have to worry about money so much.  I would be able to pay off my parent's house, be able to buy my own home, and be able to help those in need who are near and dear to me.  Even if I don't know who they are, I believe I would still give them money if I were that rich!!

I am a very appreciative person and super considerate of others, so if I were to be rich, I would definitely spend it well and put it to good use!!

I hope one day I can earn enough money to do whatever I want with it and not worry if I'm going to have enough money before the next paycheck...

Good thing right now I'm only taking care of myself and at times helping my parents with bills.  As of right now I'm only able to get what I want because I don't have a lot of bills, but who knows in the future. 

I really hope I can get there!

Don't we all?

Monday, October 22, 2012

Lacking in the Motivation Department

Since I have been out of school I have come to realize that I am lacking my dose of motivation.  I have no interest in volunteering for the better and no interest to do anything I don't want to do.  I push it aside and wait for another day.

I really need to stop waiting.  I really thought that when I graduated and got that expensive degree, I would be doing something with my life.  Going somewhere where I can be proud of myself and let others know what I'm doing without feeling like a failure.  Am I letting others label me by labeling myself?  I'm really sick of my lack in the motivation department. 

I usually am super motivated.  I'm a self motivator and now it just seems like all of that has gone away for some reason.  Maybe I feel that my opportunities were when I was still in school and now that I'm done with school there's nothing left for me to do or look forward to other than work (which is kind of how I feel).

I want my life to be stress free and mainly concerning money.  I spend what I want and save what I need, not enough to get where I want.  I really need to start budgeting and changing myself for the better.  I really am a person who wants to better myself in all aspects and that's why I feel that I'm such an open-minded person.

The things that I wanted to do when I was done with school has not even started, my lists that I made has not been checked off, and I have not even updated my lists of assignments for myself.  How will I get things done if I won't even put those to-do lists together???

I was hoping one of these days I would get a break some how and all of a sudden get a large amount of income.  See how I didn't say a large amount of money from the lottery or something?  I'm being more realistic. I want to be able to work for that money, do something with what I enjoy and am good at and obtain money for my ability to work. 

I still need to find a way to motivate myself in doing these things, in getting all my goals done and checking off those boxes on my to-do list. 

What are some of your ways to keep you motivated, or motivate yourself to be motivated??? lol sounds so funny when you write it down but it makes perfect sense to me.

Monday, September 10, 2012


 Sitting on the toilet with tears in my eyes. Making sure I get my thoughts down before I'm too lazy to do so. Why is it that it's always too good to be true?  Why do we have to be such horrible people?

I'm so tired. Tired of life and it's complications. I remember thinking about suicide when I was a kid. I sure was dramatic. I think I've grown from that.  But today while I drove home from work I thought about it again.  I'm not going to do it, but I just haven't thought about it in a while.

Now you're wondering what in the world happened that is making me feel this way. The answer is, everything.

As pathetic as I may sound, these are my thoughts. Suicide is very scary. I feel the pain of all the people whom has thought about suicide the only thing is I will never do it.

As horrible as I think life may be, I have to keep living for all the reasons that I don't want to be living for.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Unspoken Words

There are so many words that I have to say but I choose not to say them. It may be because I'm too weak to say them or that I am too kind to speak the truth or that I don't want to hear myself say these things because I wish they weren't true. Life is full of choices. Do you do things for yourself or for others? Do you answer truthfully or not?  Do we as humans make mistakes and hope to be forgiven on purpose?

There are too many unspoken words. Secrets, guilt, and pain. These unspoken words will never stop. It's human to keep things bottled up inside. Sadly...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Cherishing Life

Today has been one of those hectic days where I work and work and have a lot of errands and yet I find time to sit down for a movie, take a 30 minute nap, go to work twice, take my grandma to go see my grandpa in the hospital, and listen to soothing music while looking at a beautiful blue and pink faded out sky. 

It makes me cherish life when it's beautiful like this.  I can see the beauty in life.  Even after a hard days of work, as long as I can look at the world and see beauty, I am glad to be alive!!!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life!! I am so grateful for everything and everyone! 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

My Undergrad Graduation

This past weekend I walked for my undergrad degree.  My parents and the bf came along.  I have such a big family and there weren't nearly enough tickets to bring my whole family along.  I was sad, but I knew that I would see them soon since my parents and siblings were throwing me a graduation party that afternoon.  I could not wait to be done and go home to see everyone to celebrate! 

I was so excited to walk for commencement, that night I went to bed and I felt like I was in the room getting ready to walk and it was like I was sitting in my chair waiting for my turn to walk on stage all over again.  I remember the feeling I had sitting there and the feeling I had when I was walking across the stage, I was just thinking OMG OMG OMG.  It was so crazy how I was laying there in my mom's bed and I felt as if I was still at the commencement.  It was so real, I even moved my foot in trying to walk.  I remember having my flats on the floor while my short legs were in midair and in my dream I tried to put my flats back on in case they called our major to stand.

When I came home I was welcomed with happiness, joy, and love.  I was so happy to see my family.  Not everyone was there, but just about!  I was sooo happy!  The party didn't start until about an hour later than we expected, which was fine for me but others that worked all morning in preparing were getting hungry.  All my siblings worked so hard to cook this wonderful meal for all of us to share.  I am so grateful.  I can definitely say that family is my first priority!  I value my family so much and at times others can say that I need to be more selfish.  But not when it comes to family, not in my case. 

I got tons of gifts from family, cousins, and friends.  I was smiling all day and had so much fun taking pictures and everything!  My mom bought me roses and I got balloons.  My brother got his certificate in culinary so it was also for him as well, but I want to talk more about my feelings.

I am one of the younger in my family and am a first generation student.  My parents are such wonderful people, I feel that wherever I have gone they have gone with me.  My dad cried at his speech and so did my mom.  My mom made me read the card that she bought for me and a letter that she had my sister write in English.  Tears ran down my cheek like a flowing waterfall.  The card was bought from Wal-Mart, I was there when my sister and mom went to pick it up.  I was waiting in the car.  The card was dead on, everything that the card said was exactly me and it made me cry so hard.  The letter that my mom wrote was so amazing!  She spoke of the sorrows and the happiness that we have shared.  I am so grateful for her!  As I read this to everyone, my heart melted.  My mom is such a strong person and yet she thinks that I'm the strong one. She says that I am her best friend!  She too is my best friend, along with my sisters and my bf. 

I have always stated that I don't have a best friend, but what I didn't realize is that my mom, all 5 sisters, and bf are my best friends.  They know me and care for me like no other person has done.  All the years that I cried because of friends, do not matter anymore.  All those people who took advantage of me, ripped my feelings to shreds, and didn't even care about me, do not matter.  I have all of these great people in my life. 

My graduation marks a point in my life.  I have graduated and gotten my bachelor's degree!  I am single and able to support myself.  I am Ka's daughter!  She says she is so proud to have me as her daughter, I am so proud to have her as my mother!  She is definitely a gift from God, as she has said about me. 

I will cherish that day for the rest of my life!  I hope that whenever you complete a great success in your life you have someone there to support you, as I did!  Those people who care for you and will always be there for you. 

To my family, I am soooo sooo grateful for you all.  I am filled with so much joy, happiness, and love that I can not wait to show you how much I appreciate you!  I want to cry because of my happiness.  I love each and every one of you so terribly much!

I hope that whatever may come in my future, I remember those that were with me always!!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

The Past

The past.  My past.

There are people in my past that I would love to forget but for some reason they just keep reappearing.  I have always wondered if the saying is actually really true?  The saying goes something like, "every person you meet, you take a little of them with you," I may not have that dead on, but it surely sounds something like that.  I wonder if we really take something with us when we meet someone because I have met a lot of people and I can't say I have taken anything from them, whether it's tangible or not. 

All these people that I wish would leave the presence that I'm in is always reappearing.  It annoys me very much so, but it may be just a problem that I have with myself or with them and they don't even know it.  Why should it bother me so much?  I guess it's probably because I'm still affected by the past, the things that happened.  Maybe I'm embarrassed, probably.  Whatever the reason may be, it's pretty hard to get over it.

I think that if I ever see those people again, I should try to get on good terms with them so that I don't feel this way.  So that if they do reappear in my life again I'm not annoyed and angered and making a fool out of myself.  You would think that after going to NZ and coming back I would learn how to appreciate people more and grow from the past.  I have in some ways and in others I have yet to. 

I say this, but we will see when the day comes.  Whatever it is that I decide to do, I hope I do the right thing.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Yells of the Thunderstorm

The sky is upset today.  I woke up feeling sad, thinking the sky was going to be blue and grey.  I didn't actually get to walk outside until 11 am because I wanted to sleep in.  Once I got out into the world of shouting voices from advertisements and media I realized that it wasn't all that bad.  I felt good, the wind was blowing in my long black hair and it made me feel at ease.  I walked to a few different places to run errands and came back outside to feel the light sun rays on my skin.  I did make sure to put some spf on my face in case there were any sunlight.  I walked all over campus and found myself loving the weather.  Going to class then to work, from one job location to another location.  Finally when I was ready to head to my place, I was able to walk in the nice cool air again to breath the freshness of mother nature.  The sun was going down and the clouds were gathering, it was as if they were whispering to one another.  I could hear their whispers and realized that they were not happy with us today.  I quickly climbed the steps to my place.  After a few hours of doing homework and procrastinating, the yells from the thunderstorm starting blazing from outside my window.  I knew that the clouds were whispering of something earlier and so here came the yells.  Thunderstorms were yelling so loud that my window would rattle in despair.  I put on my headphones and ignored its roars, yet the yells got louder and louder.  What shall I yell back, I thought.  Only the sorrow and pain can be heard from the sky.  The tears that our human race weeps on a day to day basis only fills the lakes and rivers.  Must we cry to be heard?  How can my words get as loud as the thundering yells of the wind and sky?  To make a difference today that will stand here tomorrow?  For now, I'll just dream about it.....

Friday, April 27, 2012

April and Graduation

April is almost over, which is crazy business.  Graduation is around the corner and yet I feel like I don't deserve it or that I'm still going to be a kid going to school, when is reality going to hit me? When I'm walking on stage to get my degree (which won't really even be in the folder thing)? 

I hope reality hits soon so I can be more productive.  There are a lot of things I'm looking forward for after graduation.  I want to talk a lot about myself because I have a story to be told and there are so many people around me with great stories too!  I really want to add it to my YouTube channel but I'm afraid no one will listen.

What will become of me after my internship this summer?  Will I get a job and do great things?  Will I get my degree, do my internship, get fat, and help my mom by working anywhere? 

I hope I lose some weight so I can be more healthy than I am now.  I want to make sure I get my period every month and be able to exercise a few times a week!  I want to know that I have money in my pocket to pay bills and have a little fun.  I want to be productive in everything I do.  I want to connect more with my viewers on YouTube, Twitter, and Blogspot! 

Friday, March 2, 2012


I cry for just about everything.

Sometimes I think that no matter what I cry about it doesn't matter anymore because the tears just keep falling. No matter what the situation is I am always crying.

I find myself crying over the small things the most and for the people I love.

Do you think that after people love you so much they can hate you? They feel resentment?

Then they end up giving up on you.

Maybe it's time to give up!

I spent the whole day crying to myself about everything. Family, friends, love, movies...

Thought about death and how scary it is, but I think that death doesn't come until you realize that you're ready, or at least I hope so.

It's depressing that I write things down more often when I'm sad rather than when I'm happy.

I think he resents me. He feels so much hate towards me that he's giving up on me.

Maybe that's why every time he doesn't care to contact me. I'm the one to make the first move, to apologize, to cry and ask for forgiveness.

Love is not about being shy of your feelings or feeling like you are being desperate when you tell them you still want to be with them, all of that doesn't matter when there's love.

How come I feel I'm the only one feeling these things?

Is this a one side relationship?

A few days ago I was taking a shower and had my undies hanging by the towel, I was talking to God and Jesus and I felt someone or something touch my shoulder ever so lightly. It scared me and it made me think that that was a sign from God, I turned around and found that it was my undies that brushed my shoulder.

Why can't I get another sign like that to reassure me that I'm on the right path with the right person?

Why am I always feeling bad and sorry for this person? Does he feel the same way or does he always feel that he's right? Does he think that I think I'm always right? I'm the only one who's ever apologized.

No matter how many tears fall, it doesn't matter.

I just have to realize that no one loves you as much as yourself. If you don't love yourself than there is no one left. No hope.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

How We've All Changed

I am 22 years old now, soon to be 23 next month.

From the time I was 21 and now there were many differences.

From the time I was 18 and now there were even more differences.

When I was 16, I was still adventuring.

13, when I first became a teenager, I felt so young.

I remember thinking wow, I can never go back to living in the one digits when I turned 10. I felt so strange and yet nothing really happened when I turned 10.

I can't believe how fast everything is going. My childhood is only a memory now. I would love to sit and watch all of my childhood memories in videos and in pictures.

I wish my parents would have developed my high school graduation pictures so I could have that on hand. They are so forgetful.

It makes me so sad that I am growing old and getting wrinkles. What have I done?

I am someone who used to be so happy, I still am, but for some stupid reason I like to down myself in sorrow. I say I like to, because I do it so often, so I must like to do it right?

Wishing I was young again, wishing I didn't have responsibilities. Wishing I didn't need anyone else to rely on or that no one needed to rely on me.

Who am I God? I have changed in so many ways, I would like to say that it's for the better, but I really don't know. Have I made a difference in someone's life?

Who are the people around me. I've heard before that your friends are a mirror image of you. Is that true?

I can't believe how much I've changed and yet I think I haven't changed at all.

Monday, February 13, 2012

What If?

Okay I'm going to be a little on the down side right now just because I can. I know it's a day away from Valentine's Day and no one needs to be reading about depressing stuff. But I just had a thought and it makes me very sad.

What if someone like me who blogs wrote a suicide note on their blog and no one saw it? I know no one reads my blog posts besides me, so what if it were the same for this suicidal person?

I'm not saying it's me, I love my life and all, I was just thinking this because I don't get any readers. Sure I have followers but I doubt they read anything. Reading is boring!

It is very sad, I am guilty of it myself. I hope that if this ever were to happen someone takes it seriously and tries to help and succeeds. We need to be more aware of everyone's thoughts and feelings. We need to be appreciative of others.

Valentine's Day is coming tomorrow and I know a handful of people who are loved but may feel alone on this day. Some may say it's stupid to be giving on this day and not on any other day, but every day is the same to a lot of people. Jazz it up a bit! Make some love and give a little. Show some kind of appreciation.

I have someone and yet I feel alone. I admit it, I don't care. Just because you are with someone doesn't mean that other person or you, will receive or give anything. Sad isn't it? Doesn't it feel wasted?

All those people who are single don't get anything and they feel sad because they have no one, well reality check. Even if you have someone you may or may not get anything anyways. People are so materialistic. Shoot, I am! I love my makeup, jewelry, and clothes! I want things too! If I wine and cry will I get it? Maybe, but not for the same reason that I wanted them for, so that defeats the whole purpose.

Am I mapping out an equation or something?

I'm just telling how it is. One thing leads to another. The bf will never read this so don't worry. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad person, he's just not a very giving person.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


I have been attending a positive training session and I love it! Sometimes I admit that happy people are annoying, you think, WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY YOU FREAK, or you think they're annoying and want them to shut up. BUT, everyday there is sadness and we need more happy people in our lives and in the world.

SO I have decided that I'm going to change myself a little to improve, for the better and be POSITIVE. I'm only going to think positive thoughts, be happy, and annoying (if that's what you think happy people are).

It was a goal for my channel for me to be more enthusiastic in my videos and I feel like that's how it should be in life too. I have to be more enthusiastic and live more, take more chances and opportunities, I have to be more happy and laughing and crazy wild (in an appropriate way).

Positivity can change you! Surround yourself with positivity and positive people. I heard someone say get rid of all the negative people. And to me, that is harsh, but I understand, but I don't know if I could do that. I'm a pretty friendly and caring person, so I can't do just that, but I get what they mean.

Negative people drag you down with them and you don't want to feel that way. They ruin your day and make you mopey. Who wants to be mopey other than E-or? Is that even how you spell his name?

Anyways, I hope you become positive too, I'm not forcing you, I'm simply asking and hoping you will bring the enthusiasm in your life!

Scream a little, or a lot!!! Laugh loud and proud. Be you but with more emphasis!

Monday, January 23, 2012

What is the Definition of Success?

Sometimes you feel like a complete failure. Look at what you do from a day to day basis, you look at what you eat, what you lack, what you wish you could do and think to yourself why am I so lazy, mean, dumb, fat, or a failure?

When you feel this way, you think, what do others see me as? Successful? but why? I'm not rich, I don't have a business or have a career.

What is the definition of success? I don't feel it, why do people think I'm successful? (this is in terms for myself to think of and for everyone reading)

I just think to myself, why do I need to think of what other's definition of success is for me to feel successful? Why can't I come up with my own definition and feel that sense of pride in succeeding.

I may say successful is something dumb like waking up every morning, doing some walking, and getting out of the house, but that defeats my whole purpose of this blog.

Why do we define our ways into other people's definition? That ticks me off! I can be happy while I'm fat, I can be healthy while being overweight. I can be successful in my own eyes even if not in yours.

One other topic I wanted to speak of, the fact that we judge ourselves based on others. Oh I am successful because I did this and all my friends never did. WHY?? Why do we do this to ourselves? We don't like it when our friends do it to us, why should we do it to them? OF COURSE I'm guilty of this too, but realizing it and changing the fact is something else.

Change your definitions and realize what you want what your success story is. Define it and keep it consistent, whether others know your definition or not, it doesn't matter because you can feel it and you know!

I once heard something, I forget what it's for, but it goes something like, a good deed is only a good deed if it goes unnoticed or without you bragging about it. I don't know what, but I totally agree! But it's hard not to speak of your greatness when there is so much badness that you see in yourself all other days.

Stick to it, keep your chin high, don't look down on others and don't look down on yourself. You are what you think you are, not what you eat!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

One Thing I Want To Do In My Future

I will graduate in May of this year (2012) and I have no idea what to do with myself. I live in a fairly small city that doesn't have that many opportunities. I don't feel stuck to my mom but I feel like I should stick around. With that being the situation, I am left with trying to find a job that would fit my profession and it's hard enough just trying to find one to intern at. I have no idea what I will be doing after graduation and I hope that my parent's aren't disappointed in me as I may be feeling, myself.

I don't know what my future will bring, but I promise myself I will at least do something like this in my future:

This morning I woke up and saw the sunshine. Notice the word morning in that sentence? I would like to wake up in the morning before noon and I would like to see the sunshine. All of what was just said is something I know now, I want to do in the future.

I also had a cup of coffee next to my computer. This too is something I want to do, have a hot drink relaxing next to my computer updating myself on the social networks online. It's soothing to me to have something next to me as my breakfast before anyone wakes up. Having peace and quiet listening to my own thoughts and what I want to do today instead of waking up to someone else's plans for me.

I find that these things if not anything else has to be done in my future, there may not be coffee involved but at least something hot like tea. If I find myself without a job and without any motivation, at least I know that this will be a routine that I would look forward to and will keep consistent. At least I am in control of this in my life if nothing else!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Internet Vacation

I feel like when I leave the internet for an internet vacation, I am so worried. Worried about missing important e-mails, my viewers on youtube being upset that I haven't posted a video in a while, or just missing out on things.

It's so strange. When I get back into my mode of updating things such as e-mails, blogs, youtube, and facebook I feel so stressed and rushed.

I guess it goes for a lot of things when you leave for a vacation and come back to reality.

It's just so time consuming and stressful but we still do it. We still have to answer back to e-mails and update our status on facebook and twitter.

It's silly, but so very true!

Have you ever felt like this? What would you suggest in bettering this whole situation?