Testing the Waters

I am sorry to say that I turn to my blog for a lot of venting but I have to write this down in reassurance and evidence, making things more tangible so that I can solve it.

I have come to realize that I am not talented at anything.  This has come across my mind several times throughout my lifetime already, but now I really am positive that I have no talent and I am not getting anywhere in life.

I do a lot but I don't do anything talently. 

I have been on YouTube making videos for over three years and I have only reached over 1,000 subscribers.  I am thankful for those that have subscribed to me, but I see all those other people who have only been on YouTube for a year and they have over 10,000.  It's saying I'm not talented in makeup and in making videos and in fashion, since that is what my videos are about.

I want to model, but I can't even model in front of my boyfriend whom is taking the pictures. lol

I have always wanted to play instruments but I can't even read music notes and I have always loved singing but I can hear myself crack when I try, so I know I can't be a singer.

I think that I need to test the waters and see what my true passion is.  Direct my vision that way and see that even though I'm not talented, I can still work hard, which is what I already do.  I need to stop doing what I'm doing and do something else for a change.

I am not successful in one particular area, and sometimes I wish I was, that way I can take that path and see where it leads me.  I feel my problem is that I like to do a little of everything and that never works out because I'll be too tired of trying to boggle everything and end up not doing anything.

I really do feel that my fatness adds to this all, maybe I'm not successful on YouTube because I'm fat.  Most of the popular ladies on there are skinny and super pretty!  I have to admit, they are the ones that I watch the most being that there are more of them. 

I love supporting plus size women as well, but there aren't too many of them out there that I share the same style with.  There are several, but not as many as I would like. 

I hope that this all helps me in the end, whatever that path may be.

If I Was Rich$$$

I had this discussion with the bf the other day and we were just discussing about how celebrities are so rich, what do they do with all that money? 

I said they just do things to get more rich of course.  For example, open up a clothing line, or sell their signature perfume/cologne that they made up.

I forget what the bf said, but then we went on discussing about how an athlete gave $100,000 to hurricane relief.  Him alone gave that much money compared to the NBA which gave two million.

After this was said, I stated that if every celebrity in the states would give at least $1,000 to hurricane relief, that would be a lot of money.

I for one, if I was rich would give so much money away to those who really need it!!  I think that with the money you make you can do things to get richer, but you should definitely give a lot too!! To those who can't help themselves, help them get off their feet just for the good of your heart, not to get anything out of it other than that!!

I really wish I was rich, then I wouldn't have to worry about money so much.  I would be able to pay off my parent's house, be able to buy my own home, and be able to help those in need who are near and dear to me.  Even if I don't know who they are, I believe I would still give them money if I were that rich!!

I am a very appreciative person and super considerate of others, so if I were to be rich, I would definitely spend it well and put it to good use!!

I hope one day I can earn enough money to do whatever I want with it and not worry if I'm going to have enough money before the next paycheck...

Good thing right now I'm only taking care of myself and at times helping my parents with bills.  As of right now I'm only able to get what I want because I don't have a lot of bills, but who knows in the future. 

I really hope I can get there!

Don't we all?

Lacking in the Motivation Department

Since I have been out of school I have come to realize that I am lacking my dose of motivation.  I have no interest in volunteering for the better and no interest to do anything I don't want to do.  I push it aside and wait for another day.

I really need to stop waiting.  I really thought that when I graduated and got that expensive degree, I would be doing something with my life.  Going somewhere where I can be proud of myself and let others know what I'm doing without feeling like a failure.  Am I letting others label me by labeling myself?  I'm really sick of my lack in the motivation department. 

I usually am super motivated.  I'm a self motivator and now it just seems like all of that has gone away for some reason.  Maybe I feel that my opportunities were when I was still in school and now that I'm done with school there's nothing left for me to do or look forward to other than work (which is kind of how I feel).

I want my life to be stress free and mainly concerning money.  I spend what I want and save what I need, not enough to get where I want.  I really need to start budgeting and changing myself for the better.  I really am a person who wants to better myself in all aspects and that's why I feel that I'm such an open-minded person.

The things that I wanted to do when I was done with school has not even started, my lists that I made has not been checked off, and I have not even updated my lists of assignments for myself.  How will I get things done if I won't even put those to-do lists together???

I was hoping one of these days I would get a break some how and all of a sudden get a large amount of income.  See how I didn't say a large amount of money from the lottery or something?  I'm being more realistic. I want to be able to work for that money, do something with what I enjoy and am good at and obtain money for my ability to work. 

I still need to find a way to motivate myself in doing these things, in getting all my goals done and checking off those boxes on my to-do list. 

What are some of your ways to keep you motivated, or motivate yourself to be motivated??? lol sounds so funny when you write it down but it makes perfect sense to me.

Suicidal

 Sitting on the toilet with tears in my eyes. Making sure I get my thoughts down before I'm too lazy to do so. Why is it that it's always too good to be true?  Why do we have to be such horrible people?

I'm so tired. Tired of life and it's complications. I remember thinking about suicide when I was a kid. I sure was dramatic. I think I've grown from that.  But today while I drove home from work I thought about it again.  I'm not going to do it, but I just haven't thought about it in a while.

Now you're wondering what in the world happened that is making me feel this way. The answer is, everything.

As pathetic as I may sound, these are my thoughts. Suicide is very scary. I feel the pain of all the people whom has thought about suicide the only thing is I will never do it.

As horrible as I think life may be, I have to keep living for all the reasons that I don't want to be living for.

The Unspoken Words

There are so many words that I have to say but I choose not to say them. It may be because I'm too weak to say them or that I am too kind to speak the truth or that I don't want to hear myself say these things because I wish they weren't true. Life is full of choices. Do you do things for yourself or for others? Do you answer truthfully or not?  Do we as humans make mistakes and hope to be forgiven on purpose?


There are too many unspoken words. Secrets, guilt, and pain. These unspoken words will never stop. It's human to keep things bottled up inside. Sadly...