My Undergrad Graduation

This past weekend I walked for my undergrad degree.  My parents and the bf came along.  I have such a big family and there weren't nearly enough tickets to bring my whole family along.  I was sad, but I knew that I would see them soon since my parents and siblings were throwing me a graduation party that afternoon.  I could not wait to be done and go home to see everyone to celebrate! 

I was so excited to walk for commencement, that night I went to bed and I felt like I was in the room getting ready to walk and it was like I was sitting in my chair waiting for my turn to walk on stage all over again.  I remember the feeling I had sitting there and the feeling I had when I was walking across the stage, I was just thinking OMG OMG OMG.  It was so crazy how I was laying there in my mom's bed and I felt as if I was still at the commencement.  It was so real, I even moved my foot in trying to walk.  I remember having my flats on the floor while my short legs were in midair and in my dream I tried to put my flats back on in case they called our major to stand.

When I came home I was welcomed with happiness, joy, and love.  I was so happy to see my family.  Not everyone was there, but just about!  I was sooo happy!  The party didn't start until about an hour later than we expected, which was fine for me but others that worked all morning in preparing were getting hungry.  All my siblings worked so hard to cook this wonderful meal for all of us to share.  I am so grateful.  I can definitely say that family is my first priority!  I value my family so much and at times others can say that I need to be more selfish.  But not when it comes to family, not in my case. 

I got tons of gifts from family, cousins, and friends.  I was smiling all day and had so much fun taking pictures and everything!  My mom bought me roses and I got balloons.  My brother got his certificate in culinary so it was also for him as well, but I want to talk more about my feelings.

I am one of the younger in my family and am a first generation student.  My parents are such wonderful people, I feel that wherever I have gone they have gone with me.  My dad cried at his speech and so did my mom.  My mom made me read the card that she bought for me and a letter that she had my sister write in English.  Tears ran down my cheek like a flowing waterfall.  The card was bought from Wal-Mart, I was there when my sister and mom went to pick it up.  I was waiting in the car.  The card was dead on, everything that the card said was exactly me and it made me cry so hard.  The letter that my mom wrote was so amazing!  She spoke of the sorrows and the happiness that we have shared.  I am so grateful for her!  As I read this to everyone, my heart melted.  My mom is such a strong person and yet she thinks that I'm the strong one. She says that I am her best friend!  She too is my best friend, along with my sisters and my bf. 

I have always stated that I don't have a best friend, but what I didn't realize is that my mom, all 5 sisters, and bf are my best friends.  They know me and care for me like no other person has done.  All the years that I cried because of friends, do not matter anymore.  All those people who took advantage of me, ripped my feelings to shreds, and didn't even care about me, do not matter.  I have all of these great people in my life. 

My graduation marks a point in my life.  I have graduated and gotten my bachelor's degree!  I am single and able to support myself.  I am Ka's daughter!  She says she is so proud to have me as her daughter, I am so proud to have her as my mother!  She is definitely a gift from God, as she has said about me. 

I will cherish that day for the rest of my life!  I hope that whenever you complete a great success in your life you have someone there to support you, as I did!  Those people who care for you and will always be there for you. 

To my family, I am soooo sooo grateful for you all.  I am filled with so much joy, happiness, and love that I can not wait to show you how much I appreciate you!  I want to cry because of my happiness.  I love each and every one of you so terribly much!

I hope that whatever may come in my future, I remember those that were with me always!!

The Past

The past.  My past.

There are people in my past that I would love to forget but for some reason they just keep reappearing.  I have always wondered if the saying is actually really true?  The saying goes something like, "every person you meet, you take a little of them with you," I may not have that dead on, but it surely sounds something like that.  I wonder if we really take something with us when we meet someone because I have met a lot of people and I can't say I have taken anything from them, whether it's tangible or not. 

All these people that I wish would leave the presence that I'm in is always reappearing.  It annoys me very much so, but it may be just a problem that I have with myself or with them and they don't even know it.  Why should it bother me so much?  I guess it's probably because I'm still affected by the past, the things that happened.  Maybe I'm embarrassed, probably.  Whatever the reason may be, it's pretty hard to get over it.

I think that if I ever see those people again, I should try to get on good terms with them so that I don't feel this way.  So that if they do reappear in my life again I'm not annoyed and angered and making a fool out of myself.  You would think that after going to NZ and coming back I would learn how to appreciate people more and grow from the past.  I have in some ways and in others I have yet to. 

I say this, but we will see when the day comes.  Whatever it is that I decide to do, I hope I do the right thing.

The Yells of the Thunderstorm

The sky is upset today.  I woke up feeling sad, thinking the sky was going to be blue and grey.  I didn't actually get to walk outside until 11 am because I wanted to sleep in.  Once I got out into the world of shouting voices from advertisements and media I realized that it wasn't all that bad.  I felt good, the wind was blowing in my long black hair and it made me feel at ease.  I walked to a few different places to run errands and came back outside to feel the light sun rays on my skin.  I did make sure to put some spf on my face in case there were any sunlight.  I walked all over campus and found myself loving the weather.  Going to class then to work, from one job location to another location.  Finally when I was ready to head to my place, I was able to walk in the nice cool air again to breath the freshness of mother nature.  The sun was going down and the clouds were gathering, it was as if they were whispering to one another.  I could hear their whispers and realized that they were not happy with us today.  I quickly climbed the steps to my place.  After a few hours of doing homework and procrastinating, the yells from the thunderstorm starting blazing from outside my window.  I knew that the clouds were whispering of something earlier and so here came the yells.  Thunderstorms were yelling so loud that my window would rattle in despair.  I put on my headphones and ignored its roars, yet the yells got louder and louder.  What shall I yell back, I thought.  Only the sorrow and pain can be heard from the sky.  The tears that our human race weeps on a day to day basis only fills the lakes and rivers.  Must we cry to be heard?  How can my words get as loud as the thundering yells of the wind and sky?  To make a difference today that will stand here tomorrow?  For now, I'll just dream about it.....

April and Graduation

April is almost over, which is crazy business.  Graduation is around the corner and yet I feel like I don't deserve it or that I'm still going to be a kid going to school, when is reality going to hit me? When I'm walking on stage to get my degree (which won't really even be in the folder thing)? 

I hope reality hits soon so I can be more productive.  There are a lot of things I'm looking forward for after graduation.  I want to talk a lot about myself because I have a story to be told and there are so many people around me with great stories too!  I really want to add it to my YouTube channel but I'm afraid no one will listen.

What will become of me after my internship this summer?  Will I get a job and do great things?  Will I get my degree, do my internship, get fat, and help my mom by working anywhere? 

I hope I lose some weight so I can be more healthy than I am now.  I want to make sure I get my period every month and be able to exercise a few times a week!  I want to know that I have money in my pocket to pay bills and have a little fun.  I want to be productive in everything I do.  I want to connect more with my viewers on YouTube, Twitter, and Blogspot! 

Resentment

I cry for just about everything.

Sometimes I think that no matter what I cry about it doesn't matter anymore because the tears just keep falling. No matter what the situation is I am always crying.

I find myself crying over the small things the most and for the people I love.

Do you think that after people love you so much they can hate you? They feel resentment?

Then they end up giving up on you.

Maybe it's time to give up!

I spent the whole day crying to myself about everything. Family, friends, love, movies...

Thought about death and how scary it is, but I think that death doesn't come until you realize that you're ready, or at least I hope so.

It's depressing that I write things down more often when I'm sad rather than when I'm happy.

I think he resents me. He feels so much hate towards me that he's giving up on me.

Maybe that's why every time he doesn't care to contact me. I'm the one to make the first move, to apologize, to cry and ask for forgiveness.

Love is not about being shy of your feelings or feeling like you are being desperate when you tell them you still want to be with them, all of that doesn't matter when there's love.

How come I feel I'm the only one feeling these things?

Is this a one side relationship?

A few days ago I was taking a shower and had my undies hanging by the towel, I was talking to God and Jesus and I felt someone or something touch my shoulder ever so lightly. It scared me and it made me think that that was a sign from God, I turned around and found that it was my undies that brushed my shoulder.

Why can't I get another sign like that to reassure me that I'm on the right path with the right person?

Why am I always feeling bad and sorry for this person? Does he feel the same way or does he always feel that he's right? Does he think that I think I'm always right? I'm the only one who's ever apologized.

No matter how many tears fall, it doesn't matter.

I just have to realize that no one loves you as much as yourself. If you don't love yourself than there is no one left. No hope.